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Starring Little Mac and his trainer Doc Louis also playing the role of Mac it's you!!"
Inspiring words from an inspiring game. Mike Tyson's Punch Out!! was certainly one of the most famous games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, and it's stood the test of time and remains one of the best. I remember when I first got this game. It was really hard to find, but after a month of searching and having my heart broken time and time again,
Crazy Eddie's came through.
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So yeah, you play as 'Little Mac', some 17 year old kid who for some reason is fighting people twice his size and age. Little Mac was cute in his own way, sort of having that Chandlers from
Friends charm. He was usually smiling, which is pretty weird when you consider he had that nasty Doc Louis breathing down his neck all the time, chasing him with bicycles, and pretty much riding his coattails.
One of the funnest things to do in this game was simply let the boxes pound away at you, this way you'd get to see poor Little Mac beat up between rounds. If you got punched enough, you'd look like you were about to die. Getting hit was the only way to put a frown on Little Mac's face, so sadists probably didn't do too well in beating this game.
Now I'd like to focus on all the characters in the game. Every last one of them. Punch Out!! did have it's fair share of colorful, cooky characters, and it's only fitting that they are indulged with promotion here on X-E.
Fighters are shown in the order you had to fight them. As most of us know, some of the characters were regurgitated for a second fight, only this time they were a lot tougher to beat, and with much cooler nicknames.
You may notice that some characters appear similar. Those silly video game creators tried to put one over on us by using the same bodies but changing the heads and color schemes! But we know the truth! This dastardly deed aside, here's the roster of boxers...
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Glass Joe - The scrub of the game. If you didn't beat him on your first time, either you were an ape with no opposable thumbs, or seriously lacking video game skill.
"Make it quick... I want to retire!", one of his famous quotes, told the tale to a tee.
Von Kaiser - This guy looked mean, and he had that whole German bitch thing going on, but he's really a pushover.
"I was a boxing teacher...at the military academy!" was one of his evil quotes meant to inspire fear in poor Little Mac. Fortunately, Doc was there to remind us that Von Kaiser absolutely blew.
Piston Honda - Easy, but not simple. Nintendo guys had a wacky sense of humor, as they tried to tell us that not only did Japanese boxes have slanted eyes, but also eyes that would jiggle around at the drop of a hat!
"I'll give you a TKO from Tokyo!" also showed that this big guy had serious charisma. If he couldn't match you punch for punch, he'd definitely beat you out in a comedy routine.
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Don Flamenco - Let's face it. We've all done it. You know what I'm talking about.
The Flamenco Dance. Half the people in my elementary school thought they were hip by mimmicking the darling Don's wild dance routine. Unfortunately, at least the first time you fight him in the game, he's easier to defeat than Glass Joe.
King Hippo - This was the
only character in the entire game that didn't have a 'twin'. He also had some funky theme music. The thing you weren't supposed to know about King Hippo is that you had to punch him in the belly button to defeat him. Luckily, a giant bandage covering it kinda gave away the big secret.
"I have my weakness. But, I won't tell you! Ha, ha, ha!"
Great Tiger - Now this cat meant business. He had Hindu powers never seen in a boxing ring before. When his Hindu jewel started flashing, there was no telling what type of shenanigans he was about to employ. He could do wild ring spins, and even teleport! His evil Tiger Punch, which was meant to hurt Little Mac, served only to make the poor Tiger dizzy, leading you to a relatively easy victory.
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Bald Bull - "Doc can't help you now. Will you beg me for help?" Bald Bull was fucking strange. He looked like an ox, talked like a mental patient, and threw punches as if he was dancing to the tune of 'Old Susanna'. He was actually pretty tough to beat, as even NES players with superb timing were often thrown off by his infamous Bull Charge.
Soda Popinski - No 1980s video game would be complete without a stereotypical Russian villain. Especially a drunk one with purple skin. His quotes made it perfectly clear you were boxing with an alkie. Despite being on the upper tier of fighters, Popinski didn't prove much of a threat to Little Mac's quest.
"I can't drive, so I'm gonna walk all over you!"
Mr. Sandman - Now this guy *was* tough. I can't really get a feel for what the character was supposed to portray, but when you take Bald Bull, darken his skin, and make him talk about putting you to bed, you're definitely out of your league.
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Super Macho Man - It's hard for me to judge how difficult it was to defeat this guy, since I used that trusty code and beat him so many times. I will say, however, that it's extremely odd that Super Macho Man had grey hair in his boxing bio, and jet black hair in the ring! Is he employing the use of Clairol to hide his aging? Either way, his Super Spin Punch was something I copied time and time again using my schoolbag at school. Super Macho Man was my hero, and a better role model I couldn't have picked:
"I don't smoke... But tonight I'm gonna smoke you!"
Mike Tyson - Before he starting violating federal laws and appearing at wrestling events, Mike Tyson was a force to be reckoned with. One punch sent you down. If you beat Mike, he'd compliment you. If you didn't, he'd rape your mother. And those were your characters. The game didn't offer much reward to your victories. A few newspaper articles, and the occassional jog past the Statue of Liberty. Not withstanding that, this is a great game, so since you're on the net, I definitely suggest find a NES rom emulator and reliving the glory days of video gaming with this one.