How would you idiots handle this situation?

[Sound of Silence]

I meant idiots in the nicest of ways.

Some of yous met my chica during the last EOG Bash back in January in the Bahamas. Sweet girl and all, but we've had some issues.

She dated a dude for around 5 years before we started dating, I'm not one to hold people's history against them (cause lord knows mine ain't crystal clear), but over the last 2 years there's been a lot of issues with him calling and wanting her back. Not your normal situation though, as he's been overseas in Iraq for last Oct-Jan, and now again this Oct-Jan.

Last year he would call or email her almost on a daily basis "just to talk", all the while he was dating some other girl. Last year I told my girl that I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't about to be a guy that says that she shouldn't talk to him... He's overseas fighting for the country and I'm here stateside twiddling my thumbs for the most part, tough to feel like you are doing the right thing telling her to cut it off.

But now here we are again... She didn't talk to him much at all when he was stateside, but she's let me know that he has started calling and emailing on a regular basis again. What do I do about it? She's being honest about it, but at the same time its not right for a girl to be talking to her ex on a regular basis, no matter the situation.

Give me your unbridled, idiotic, compulsive gambling thoughts. Especially you mofo... despite the fact that you are a goddamn idiot, when you aren't being a goddamn idiot you actually are pretty level headed :+waving-5

 

[winkyduck]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

ask her who she wants to be with

YOU - or - HIM

if she says YOU - then say you don't like all this between the 2 of you and would like it to stop

be prepared to lose her if she pushes back

 

[dirty]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

SoS you are in a tough situation man... I would not want to be in it. You are the bad guy no matter what. You either end it with her and you are the bad guy or you either tell her to stop talking to her ex while he is in Iraq.


She is a great girl from what I remember... and damn sure is better than you deserve (;-P )...... I don't see how you can let it go on. You have to tell her to end it. If it means the end of your relationship then it was not meant to be and the best thing that could have happened in the long run. You have to look out for you as well in a relationship. I know it is hard to do that sometimes, but trust me you have to. I am dealing with the repercussions of that right now.

 

[Sound of Silence]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

I know she is willing to end it, but that puts me in such a shitty, shitty situation. Here is this guy, out in god knows where defending our country, and I'm the pencil pushing (for lack of a better phrase) boyfriend back home saying "don't talk to him anymore".

I just never wanted to be that guy.

 

[JTGAMBLE]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

you need to tell the other dude you are going to kick his ass over the internet like mofome

 

[dirty]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

you can't keep her from talking to him.... she is going to no matter what if she wants to. But in the same breath she needs to respect you and your feelings.

 

[mofome]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

how long have you been with her?

its unfair of her to leave you in a situation where you have to know she communicates with someone she had a romantic relationship with. this is obviously a delicate situation. he has reasons he claims to need to be in touch with her, find out those reasons and find a different solution to them. his reasons will be bullshit, something gay like 'i just find comfort in our friendship'..eh whatever he may say. you show respect for what he wants, but then offer and alternate means of getting what he claims to need. its important not to act like your attacking this guy because if she gets defensive over him it will leave you pissed off. dont walk into a situation that will just upset you more. in this case emotion is your enemy, but staying level headed is hard. what you have to do is act in a manner that makes you proud of how you're handling things. make sure you know what you may regret and simply dont cross that line. figure that out yourself and you've really cant fuck this up too badly. the biggest problem people face in relationships is saying/doing something that wont be forgotten. thats when you do something and look at her the next day and she looks broken...you know something is changed even when her words are the same. forgiveness is not being told you're forgiven, its something much deeper. i know you love this girl, and i realize what im saying may seem pretty basic, but its important.

you dont do what winky said, you dont make it seem like this is a choice and you can just walk away from her. she is a person, you dont make her feel as an object that can simply be replaced, she can not.

you take her to dinner, you talk about this all politely and with understanding, you tell her that you're not perfect and while you wish this didnt cause you any discomfort, it simply does, and that discomfort doesnt allow you to be yourself. tell her that the two of you can send him care packages and letters and whatever else you can do to make him feel more at peace while hes out there, but any communication should be involve all 3 of you. afterall, hes just looking for support, friendship, and comfort...why would he need the privacy of a conversation that only involves just two. thats certainly not what he wants....right? so...tell her that the two of you will show him support together, you're a team now, and go from there. if thats not ok, then shes being completely unfair.

i could offer more and talk more about this if you want....but i feel like i wrote a bit much already. i dont want to bore you, but i do care.

 

[SkinsRaj28]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Do you trust her?

If you do, then realize that nothing will come of this except friendship, and that she's yours and not his. You have nothing to worry about.

If you don't, tell her you want her to stop communicating with the guy, that it really bothers you. Hope that she does so, but be prepared for her to fight you on it and/or end your relationship. Chances are it wasn't going to work anyway, because of the lack of trust. And why would you want to be with someone you don't 100% trust, anyway?

Oh, and by the way, him being a soldier doesn't make him a saint. Just a heads up.

Just my opinion. Poopy.

 

[Flamingo kid]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

I think the problem is that she views them as friends (hopefully that's all it is) and he views them as something MORE than friends. You have to tell her that you don't mind if she's friends with him, but you want her to realize that He isn't viewing their relationship the same way SHE is viewing it.

 

[mofome]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

I think the problem is that she views them as friends (hopefully that's all it is) and he views them as something MORE than friends. You have to tell her that you don't mind if she's friends with him, but you want her to realize that He isn't viewing their relationship the same way SHE is viewing it.

explaining how he (the other guy) feels is not a good idea.

 

[The Devil]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

SOS, USUALLY IF SHE IS HONEST ENOUGH TO TELL YOU HE IS CALLING AND EMAILING HER.........SHE SOUNDS LIKE SHE WOULD BE HONEST ENOUGH TO TELL YOU IF SOMETHING IS GOING ON.......

BUT I HAVE BEEN WRONG ON MANY OCCASIONS BEFORE......

 

[4625]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Very delicate situation. I agree that his status makes no difference here; hustling your gf is not a recruitment bonus. IF he's only seeking friendship and comfort, why can't he email and call his own gf? If your gf and ex both readily agree that there is absolutely nothing romantic whatsoever, then occasional calls or emails would not be a problem, IMO. However, your situation sounds like the contact is much more frequent, which is a problem, because your feelings do have value, and no one could reasonably be expected to put up with such a state of affairs.

I might approach it by clearly stating my position, and let her make the decision as to what is right or wrong. If she makes a decision that you don't like, then maybe it wasn't the right situation for you to begin with. . . . .

 

[Hache Man]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

I meant idiots in the nicest of ways.

Some of yous met my chica during the last EOG Bash back in January in the Bahamas. Sweet girl and all, but we've had some issues.

She dated a dude for around 5 years before we started dating, I'm not one to hold people's history against them (cause lord knows mine ain't crystal clear), but over the last 2 years there's been a lot of issues with him calling and wanting her back. Not your normal situation though, as he's been overseas in Iraq for last Oct-Jan, and now again this Oct-Jan.

Last year he would call or email her almost on a daily basis "just to talk", all the while he was dating some other girl. Last year I told my girl that I wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't about to be a guy that says that she shouldn't talk to him... He's overseas fighting for the country and I'm here stateside twiddling my thumbs for the most part, tough to feel like you are doing the right thing telling her to cut it off.

But now here we are again... She didn't talk to him much at all when he was stateside, but she's let me know that he has started calling and emailing on a regular basis again. What do I do about it? She's being honest about it, but at the same time its not right for a girl to be talking to her ex on a regular basis, no matter the situation.

Give me your unbridled, idiotic, compulsive gambling thoughts. Especially you mofo... despite the fact that you are a goddamn idiot, when you aren't being a goddamn idiot you actually are pretty level headed :+waving-5

Sorry man enough is enough.


I can tell you that I had a similar situation, or problem, and she simply changed her email & her phone number without me even having to ask, just to prove to me that she had nothing to do with or no control over him trying to contact her.

That did for me & should speak volumes for you if she were to take it upon herself to do the same, or even if it came down to you requesting her do it.

If you're good you should be able to read her like a book with what reaction she gives if you have to ask her to do it.

Her being "honest" about it is not enough...

 

[The General]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

I wouldn't want any military vet mad at me over some girl when he gets home. Hmmmm

Good luck

 

[THE SHRINK]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Matt,

I have had the pleasure of meeting "J." I spoke with Scarlett about it, too in order to get a female perspective...

Given the fact that you are also in a long distance relationship with her, we both believe you don't have the right to say anything to her.

Unless of course, you are willing to step up to the plate and offer her more...

Scarlett's take on this whole ordeal is that she is trying to make you jealous and I agree...

THE SHRINK

 

[ShavenCoinpurse]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Skins Raj was right on (I don't know how to quote just part of someone's response without the whole thing). You have to get over the fact that just becasue he is in Iraq he is a good guy. There are some a-holes that are still doing a good deed for us and this country....

 

[dingo]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

start talking to one of your EX-GIRLFRIENDS see how she response to that situation.But if your like me none of them will talk to you.Tough situation your in BOL:cheers

 

[janus]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Matt,

I have had the pleasure of meeting "J." I spoke with Scarlett about it, too in order to get a female perspective...

Given the fact that you are also in a long distance relationship with her, we both believe you don't have the right to say anything to her.

Unless of course, you are willing to step up to the plate and offer her more...

Scarlett's take on this whole ordeal is that she is trying to make you jealous and I agree...

THE SHRINK

matt -


just the other day shrink said 50% of his friends are divorced and the other 50% cheat... what's that say about the quality of his advice on this subject?

sincerely,

janus

 

[mofome]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Skins Raj was right on (I don't know how to quote just part of someone's response without the whole thing). You have to get over the fact that just becasue he is in Iraq he is a good guy. There are some a-holes that are still doing a good deed for us and this country....

backspace and delete each work as options for removing characters from a post.

:cheers

 

[janus]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

backspace and delete each work

bullshit.

 

[mofome]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

always be honest with yourself and what you feel. you wouldnt have made this post if you were comfortable. if you are not comfortable in a relationship, a circumstance like this will only cause resentment to build. this resentment is sure to manifest into something ugly within an event thats is unrelated. dont leave things inside. be honest with how you feel and let the relationship play its course. dont try to be someone you're not, dont try to be right when you dont feel like its right. you will never be able to out-think how you feel. your emotions/instincts are more powerful than your mind at times when you feel this kinda of emotional anxiety. i would talk to her, see what she says, and then make the decision thats best for you. you have to stop trying to convince yourself that its ok, in an effort to make things easier. its likely that, at times, you truly feel like its ok and this is something you can deal with....a bit later you're bothered again and seeing things differently. dont leave this struggle within yourself, you have already sorted it out. it does bother you and you dont feel that its right. from there, you have to make your move. leaving it inside is not fair to either of you.


what Ken said is off base, imo. she is your girlfriend, you have the right to feel, and say what you feel. i dont know exactly how close you two are, but knowing now that your relationship is long distance makes this a bit worse. almost as if what shes offering him is not all that unsimliar to what she offers you. you dont have the comfort of touching her, seeing her, and talking to her in person? your average talk is through email or on the phone? the same as his? to me, thats worse. it doesnt make her any worse, but it would make the feeling worse. talking to him is, in no way, fair to you.

 

[mofome]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

bullshit.

:+crying-5

 

[Ball Rash]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

I'm surprised so many gamblers can dig out love advice

PS. the guy is not out there in Iraq defending your country, he's out there occupying another country.

 

[The General]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Matt, love will kill you.

 

[THE SHRINK]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

always be honest with yourself and what you feel. you wouldnt have made this post if you were comfortable. if you are not comfortable in a relationship, a circumstance like this will only cause resentment to build. this resentment is sure to manifest into something ugly within an event thats is unrelated. dont leave things inside. be honest with how you feel and let the relationship play its course. dont try to be someone you're not, dont try to be right when you dont feel like its right. you will never be able to out-think how you feel. your emotions/instincts are more powerful than your mind at times when you feel this kinda of emotional anxiety. i would talk to her, see what she says, and then make the decision thats best for you. you have to stop trying to convince yourself that its ok, in an effort to make things easier. its likely that, at times, you truly feel like its ok and this is something you can deal with....a bit later you're bothered again and seeing things differently. dont leave this struggle within yourself, you have already sorted it out. it does bother you and you dont feel that its right. from there, you have to make your move. leaving it inside is not fair to either of you.


what Ken said is off base, imo. she is your girlfriend, you have the right to feel, and say what you feel. i dont know exactly how close you two are, but knowing now that your relationship is long distance makes this a bit worse. almost as if what shes offering him is not all that unsimliar to what she offers you. you dont have the comfort of touching her, seeing her, and talking to her in person? your average talk is through email or on the phone? the same as his? to me, thats worse. it doesnt make her any worse, but it would make the feeling worse. talking to him is, in no way, fair to you.

ty Dr. Ruth...:LMAO

 

[Sound of Silence]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

It scares me that mofome offers the best advice out of you lot.

Thanks to all.

There's a lot more to the story obviously... We started dating back around May of '06, around 3 months after they broke it off. He left for Iraq the first time in October of '06, and I told her that I didn't mind her talking to him (since I can't imagine the loneliness one must feel to be out there), but I felt like the situation was abused and he started calling or emailing almost every other day. And she would respond/answer -- partially out of a desire to communicate and partially out of obligation. She is the type of person that doesn't want to upset anyone, almost to a fault.

When the calls started picking up, I told her that when he returned in January that she needed to have a talk with him about not calling, as it wasn't right for her relationship or his (he was currently dating another girl but letting my gf know about it almost daily -- obviously an attempt to make her jealous). She did, and the calls/emails stopped for a good 2-3 months, but then started picking up again right before he left again -- including him sending her a letter in the mail letting her know how he felt about her.

She was upfront with 95% of this (with the only 5% being times that he called and she knew it'd upset me if I knew that he was calling that frequently), and before he left she had another talk with him about not calling as much because she is happy in her relationship and this isn't helping. He said he understood.

Now that he's left, like I said in the original post, its started happening again. First started off with a phone call once every 3-4 weeks, then once a week, now in the last week he's called 3 times and sent a couple of emails. She is partially to blame, as she admitted to me in mid-week she got a real bad feeling and sent him an email just to make sure he was OK. I told her when she did that, that I didn't fault her for worrying about him, but that there were other ways she could have found out if he was OK without "rocking the boat" as much (like talking to one of his friends).

I'm a pretty good judge of character and feelings, and from what I can tell she just doesn't have it in her to basically tell this guy that is lonely in another country not to call her anymore. She sent him another email a few days ago explaining to him that its hurting her relationship too much for this to continue, blah, blah, blah.

I just hate drama. Makes it 10 times worse being long distance knowing she's probably getting plowed by 10 guys as we speak

 

[Almost Allright]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

is her mom hot....i'm just saying...

 

[The General]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

May of '06

Sure is NO WAY you can be certain she is a good home maker and esp COOK.

 

[Ball Rash]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

it's a big NONO for me to get involved with someone who has not gotten over their ex......this story sounds a bit like that's the problem with her

good luck but odds are you guys will not be a couple in the near future

 

[mofome]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

Matt.....you want to talk any more on it or are you done with this thread/conversation?

 

[Hache Man]

Re: How would you idiots handle this situation?

is her mom hot....i'm just saying...

lol





(Not a laughing matter I know Matt, AA just goofing off )