NEED A LAUGH?.......

Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Subject: Escaped Convict

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kisse d your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"
His wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

THE 6 BEST SMART-ASS ANSWERS


SMART ASS ANSWER #6

It was mealtime during a flight on American Airlines.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.




SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."




SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."




SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.




SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.
A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead".
Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."






SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

REDNECK CHURCH

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one

2 You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from)
Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if .
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".

God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Why? Why? Why?

do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

SIPPING VODKA​

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" .
12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
 
A

andrew748

Banned
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Pinnochio goes to his father and complains that whenever he has sex with a girl, she complains about the splinters. His father gives him a piece of sand paper and tells him to rub his dick with it before sex and it should solve the problem.

A few days later, Pinnochio's father asks how the girls are. Pinnochio replies, "Girls, who needs them?"
 
A

andrew748

Banned
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled 'LSD'?"



Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that
you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the
evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please
don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on
the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you
are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local
college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be
at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant tennis coach.

He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a
successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than
54 goes into 18.

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

BLIND WAL-MART CLERK

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one, and
goes over to the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark sunglasses. She
says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale
this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell
who it was.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "The woman
is totally confused. "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How
did you get $34.50?" "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck
Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Old People - Very Touching .


This will warm your heart.

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness.

Someone who teaches at a middle school in Safety Harbor, Florida, forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind.

Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.


Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon.

I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged.

All of my family has passed away.

I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.

God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to "FUCK OFF".

Thank you for that opportunity.
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

OLD CLASSMATES


HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, "SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?" WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS TALE!!


I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK- HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS NEARLY 40 YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.

"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, "IN 1968. WHY DO YOU ASK?"

"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, WRINKLED, BALD, FAT, GRAY, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

<table class="MsoNormalTable" style="width: 100%;" border="0" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" width="100%"><tbody><tr style="height: 30pt;" height="40"> <td style="padding: 7.5pt; width: 100%; height: 30pt;" height="40" width="100%"> The Gay Flight Attendant<o:p></o:p>
</td></tr> <tr> <td style="padding: 7.5pt; width: 100%;" valign="top" width="100%"> My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch." <o:p></o:p>
</td></tr></tbody></table>
 
dirty

dirty

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks.
>>
>> While they're sitting there having a good time together, she starts
> talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it,
> the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into
> having one.
>>
>> After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him. The
> bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar:
>>
>> A salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The
> boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
>>
>> "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the
> shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the
> lime juice."
>>
>> So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
> He puts the salt on his tongue........salty but OK. He drinks the shot
> of Baileys........smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He
> thinks........this is OK.
>>
>> Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it....In one second
> the sharp lime taste hits... ...
>>
>> At two seconds the Baileys curdles... At three seconds the salty,
> curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits................
>>
>> At four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot.
>>
>> This triggers his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to
> disappoint his girlfriend, he swallows the now foul tasting drink When
> he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "JESUS!
> What do you call that drink?"
>>
>> She smiles widely at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge." <o:p></o:p>
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

My long-passed grandmother's birthday is coming up, and for me it is
time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the
special trips she would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends
with her, and the advice she used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when she died. If she were alive
today and sharing her pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were
all good, but the one thing I remember most, the jewel in the crown of
grandmotherly advice, came when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers
enjoying a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I'd find a
woman and start my own family.

"And son," she said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She said... "makes your pecker look bigger."

Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

​
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Traffic Jam
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into Downtown Chicago. Nothing is moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened, what's the hold up?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Rosie O''Donnell, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. So we are going from car to car, taking up a
collection."

The driver asks, "On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a gallon."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel
outside Atlanta

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your
ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have
one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen Darlin', I ain't horny. I'm homesick."
 
H

hollywoodheidi

EOG Member
just dropping by to say...

just dropping by to say...

Hi! I just found this forum and it looks really cool. Now, I gotta run off and read some posts. :)
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: Damage caused by Vick sets team back for years

Re: Damage caused by Vick sets team back for years






Dear Lord: Thank you for bringing me to Timmy's house and not to Michael Vick's -AMEN!'
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Colonoscopies

What some men actually said to the Doctor, during their's....


1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!"

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"

12. "Now I know why I am not gay."

And the best one of them all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
 
B

Brock

EOG Dedicated
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

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Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

LORD, THEY'RE FINALLY TOGETHER ...

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

She finally died after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He
thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend,
" Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, " I think he means her legs."
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

GOOD

In Richardson, Texas State Trooper was running radar. He had a perfect
spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting any. Then he discovered
the problem.
A 12 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign
which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD!" The officer later found a young
accomplice down the road with a sign reading, "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)



BETTER.

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Plano, Texas. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.



BEST!

A young woman was pulled over in Austin, Texas for speeding. As the TX
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Texas State
Police Ball." He replied, "Texas State Troopers don't have balls." There was a
moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he'd just
said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
 
dirty

dirty

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A friend of mine sent this to me and I felt compelled to share it with you all.
<o></o>
My grandmother died in 1945, but her birthday is coming up, and
that always causes me to reminisce.


The long walks we used to take to the store on Crawford Road,
the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or
washing the sidewalk...


Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel
in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13.
We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda
bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day.


She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and
start my own family.



"And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a
woman with small hands." "How come, Grandma?" I asked her.


She answered in her soft Irish voice. "Makes your dick look
bigger."



Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?[/font]
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag ..

" Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" "You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! "So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, "$20 or off it comes"

"Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, .... " not everybody pays.
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

The Pope & Hillary


The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

'Her Majesty' and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"

He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. "That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."

The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Now where is your mind at, in the gutter??????

Ten Things said at Thanksgiving that sound "Dirty"





10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Kentucky:

The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University
of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%,
how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my
earrings."

You gotta love those Kentucky women.

************ ********* ********* ********* *********
Alabama:

A group of Alabama Friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos
for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked."

Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they
inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"


********* ********* *********

Louisiana:

A senior at Louisiana was overheard saying... "When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything
happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


********* *********

Mississippi:

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said
to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck
from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

********* *********

Tennessee:
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"


********* *********

And My Favorite:

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of
the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back to ask the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

********* *********

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving North.
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Message from Santa

Dear Friends,

I have been watching you very closely to see if you
have been good this year and since you have I will
be telling my elves to make some goodies for me to
leave under your tree at Christmas.
I was going to bring you all gifts from the 12 days
of Christmas, but we had a little problem.

The 12 fiddlers fiddling have all come down with VD
from fiddling with the 10 ladies dancing, the 11 lords
leaping have knocked up the 8 maids a-milking, and
the 9 pipers piping have been arrested for doing
weird things to the 7 swans a-swimming.
The 6 geese a-laying, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens,
2 turtle doves and the partridge in a pear tree have
me up to my sled runners in bird shit.

On top of all this Mrs. Claus is going through menopause,
8 of my reindeer are in heat, the elves have joined the
gay liberation and some people who can't read a
calendar have scheduled Christmas for the 5th of January.
Maybe next year I will be able to get my shit together and
bring you the things you want.
This year I suggest you get your asses down to Wal-Mart
before everything is gone.

Love,
Santa
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway butt naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says.. "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk!"
 
Bucsfan67

Bucsfan67

EOG Master
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.


"Nice bike," the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"


"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"


The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a
safety violation.


The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."


The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?"


"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.


The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."
 
Ego74

Ego74

1
Funny moments for Doctors

Funny moments for Doctors

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald
2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by! Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one? " I asked. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six ours and now I'm running out of places to put It!" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion She answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf
7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"
She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar MeyerWiener'!".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name
 
Ego74

Ego74

1
Re: NEED A LAUGH?.......

Newspaper Headlines

​

[SIZE=-1]Include Your Children when Baking Cookies[/SIZE]​
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[SIZE=-1]Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Kids Make Nutritious Snacks[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half[/SIZE]
[SIZE=-1]Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors[/SIZE]​
 
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